Friday, November 25, 2016

Well amigos, you've travelled with me far and wide across the lands and seas, and to the depths of my sadness at losing my mom and later having to move from the country which holds my heart... You've also stayed with me during the hights of my happiness... With wonderful memories...

You've maybe laughed with me? Cried with me? Been exasperated with me... or at me!!


Now another long journey is ahead of me, one we, Franco and I, should not be traveling, not for twenty or thirty years... Yet here we are, and again I will have to vent here, write while I cry, write while my heart bleeds tears and my very being is smashed and torn ripped and I will be left, if there is anything left... Empty and small and... What? I don't know...

As you must have gleaned from previous posts, Franco has been living with the demon cancer... Pancreatic, yes, the one that they still cannot fathom, the little weird shaped blighter hides purposely behind the stomach where it pretty much gets on and does its thing and bides its time...

... until it's too late, apparently...
CT MRI colonoscopy and endoscopy tests later, the dark truth is told and our lives changed forever...

Franco is being so strong, very calm and talking like it's a done deal and things need sorting, and what can't be, won't be something he has to worry about any more...

I can't imagine what he is really thinking, feeling, he's starting to write it down, hopefully it will help him, it's good to talk/write, therapeutic...  He tells me to be strong, to be less emotional, less worried, less everything I am, I can't, I'm in pieces... I can't even imagine things not being like they are, it would be different if we didn't talk day and night, or had our own separate interests, or didn't go and do everything together...

Today I had an appointment with Cudeca, the cancer hospice down at Arroyo de Miel, we drove through the not so new tunnel from De la Torre to Torremolinos, been open a couple of years now I think... So we been through it from both directions!

We're also off to UK, leaving a friend to house sit at short notice! We're seeing my boys and families.... Then down to Wales seeing friends and work friends... Then home.

My appointment, I went off track didn't I... Wasn't easy, wasn't nice or real... I so seem to be most, no scratch that, some of the time I am living a reality that just isn't real anymore, I'm living a reality that I would have been living for many many years to come... Then it's slap bang punch to the guts this isn't real anymore, nothing will ever be the same...

I found myself apologising to a good friend the other day, I didn't realise, I never understood how she felt when she lost her husband, I just had no idea... She said, no one can know, you have to live it, to know it...

I don't want to live it, I don't want to know it...

I've never felt so small...

Monday, November 21, 2016

Feel sure I should be writing something on here... Just not sure what, or even a why now...

Franco has come home from hospital, a week ago last Friday... I don't think I can write on here at the moment about stuff, so keeping it photographs and whatever...

Francos sister and son have been over, we have been out and about, below La Trocha set up for chess...


And on the top of Miramar at Las Lagunas its Christmas time already!  Lots of family entertainment for young and old!

I asked Father Christmas and his elf to pose for me for a moment!


Sun snow sky and sea.... part of a shed and a Christmas tree!


We went to the car boot sale at the Hipódromo at La Cala de Mijas yesterday, it was okay, or even quite good, especially after the same 'ol same 'ol up at La Trocha on a Sunday.  We had had a spot of rain earlier on and wind was whipping up but it stayed away while we were up there almost at the top of the mountain!

The rain came down later though, by the bucketful, and it rained most of the night and still this morning on and off... Took Pipster out and it started to spit and spot on our way home!

TTFN
Marian

Tuesday, November 08, 2016

Angels without wings


First these photographs... We've been 'steam punked'... Well, sort of, we have the coolest pipework in the house now, to keep us warm... Above photograph I took yesterday on the terrace zooming into the floor level in the lounge below...


and from the living room looking up into the blue beyond... Then the test fire! Smoke signals away!


and.... how it looks in the lounge! I'll take a shot of the wood burner tomorrow!  The pipe is lovely and warm, radiating heat up through the house, so very cool! in a wonderfully hot way!

Now to more 'real' things... I am back home as you can see, I shouldn't be of course! Due to leave work as I was on Friday this week and home on the Saturday, but it was an emergency, for Franco... He needed to stay in hospital for some tests, and of course couldn't with the Pipster here!  So I flew home the following day, and Franco was able to get in first thing Friday morning.

I must say if it wasn't for some very real angels without wings I would have had a journey of hell to get back as quick as I did, not just physically but mentally!... My manager of course first, in finding the lady I support cover as quickly as she did, which enabled me to book the flight quickly... and to that support angels mom who got her on the car insurance to speed up her arrival at placement as quickly as she did!

A word from a sister to call a near sister... miles of driving in her car instead of buses and trains and late arrival into an unknown hotel in the middle of the night or early hours! But a comfortable ride and a listening ear, a bed in her family home and ride in the morning to Bristol airport... The flight was cheap thank goodness, although whatever price would have been good to go!

Then on home soil a friends mom came for me, waiting at arrivals by her car for me when I got there, only my hand luggage that I now carry I was landed and out in about ten minutes, even the flight booking gave me a 5th row isle seat for free!

Twenty seven hours after Francos call I was with him in hospital!
Málaga University hospital is the best, fantastic staff, 24 hour visiting hours, five meals a day, for Franco that is!  The rooms are all two bed, and the other guy he shares with is nice, they get on great and similar problems.  The rooms are cleaned over three times a day! A bit noisy, but then most hospitals are noisy! and with no quantity of visitors restrictions that the UK has, some people have quite a few visitors at any one time and voices carry...

Franco didn't want to cancel the wood burner installation, but they too were great!  Arrived earlier than the time they said, so before 8am, short breakfast and lunch breaks and they were all done by 4pm.... and then I was off to Málaga, and when offered a tenner more, to round it up, he said 'no'... the price is the price, and nada mas!

Okay amigos, don't worry, leave me to do that, because I can assure you I am!
No answers on here by-the-by, so its either email or one of the other many forms of getting me!

TTFN
Marian

One of my creations...

Monday, October 31, 2016

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Roses are...
Happy Sunday!  The trees are all the colors of autumn, leaves fluttering to the ground, so much so that I can nearly see the river Wye and the moutains, hills? on the other side of the road, they've all been undercover of foliage for the summer.  A horse next door making a noise all night I can't possible find a way of telling you the sound... maybe 'phhhhbbbbb!' LOL  That blowing out of mouth noise they make!

The sun is now filtering through the misty clouds after a gray start... and it was almost light when I got up this morning at 6:30am, and by 7am it was light!  This I know of course will change over the next few weeks!

The woodpecker is back at the bird baskets, first time I have seen him since, at least the time before last I was here... June/July shift maybe?

The mouse may have been spotted this morning!  'Hey ho' here we go again! Still the traps are down, so hope he finds his way out of the house and stays out!!  One of his kind has a run by the back door, he hurtles up past the porch door, across the mat by the back door and darts behind and under the big flower pot under the window! He flies along!!

And.... Oh, you know, I think I did a draft the other day and never finished it on here!! Bare with, going to check...

LOl while the internet off... its a no no, so shall carrying on writing and copying and saving as I go so I do not lose all of anything!!  The internet here is the worse I have ever come across, anywhere, at any time, the old dial-up was 100% better than this!  So that's saying something isn't it?  I realise this is out of the way, off the beaten track, but this is the 21 century! The supplier here goes by the two initials of my sons first names!  So that's an easy one! LOL

Okay I have the draft!  It was a 'memory' from Facebook the other day...


"Well heard it all now, conversation between Franco and I just now...
F. They've got Britain's first bug restaurant
M. Where is it?
F. London probably, us Welsh wouldn't eat that ***t!
M.Ummmm, don't know that town... Exactly where is it?
F. Wales!!!

So was...


The 'So was...' was also in the draft!  What was I going to continue with?  Why would I leave it here hanging?  Who knows... Oh I know I know!  LOL it was to get me back with the font!!  It didn't work though, and getting back into the font again reminded me!!

Does anyone reading this ever just leave halfway through my ramblings sometimes?  I wonder? Although of course I could put some really great snippet right at the end!

Going back to my last post... the malaise I had been in, turned out the lady I support and her hairdresser felt the same on the same day!  Must have been something in the air!

Thank you for listening to my ramblings by the way, I never thank you enough, and without you listening to me, and being here for me, I'm not sure what I would do some days...  Especially not having my camera either!

Lemony slice

TTFN
Marian



Thursday, October 27, 2016

The malaise I had yesterday morning lifted... I spend most of the day boostering the spirits of the lady I work with, which apart from positive speaking means a lot of smiling, and of course smiling fools our brains into thinking we're happy lol... Maybe all the negative things I hear all day do bring me down, and a reason I feel a bit flat sometimes...  Its hard work being funny and positive all day... but someone has to do it! LOL.... Mmmmm humour falling flat on me this morning too!

I have a headache, again, most mornings, bed is comfy enough, maybe the heating? Who knows... but back to the constant pain relief meds.... Lots to do today so it will lift soon enough and day pass swiftly.

I seem to have been having a shopping frenzy on eBay!  Put bids on a few things, lost three quite soon, which was quite good!  But I put a ceiling limit on what I will pay... and I have three bids on three more tank tops!!!  Yes!! Tank tops!! Who would have known they would be back in fashion... Wish I had kept mine from the 1970's!  Although not sure how the too tight in a 'sausage look' would go down! lol... still, I'm not paying more than the starting prices really, and they're only a couple of pounds each... Also, I travel light!  So maybe its just a distraction...

Yesterday was a beautiful sunny day, felt warm too through the windows!  Thousands of ladybirds! They were tapping at the windows... "let me in, let me in..."  No photographs, I really must bring my camera next time, it helps... somehow, gives me something to focus on!! haha!! Focus on! Get it??

TTFN
Marian



Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Trying to add a photograph... is a PDF, can't convert to jpg on this Chromebook, sure its possible, was a site offered to convert, but you have to log in with your email??? Sounded dodgy, so haven't, it was a photograph of my mom, one I am sure I have posted before... maybe on fb or here...



Couldn't find the one I wanted, but this is ideal too....
This machine isn't doing what is was paid to do, probably the download speed, maybe not... maybe just me wanted it to work quicker than it can, because technology never works quick enough for me anymore.

I seem to be on a low again, I'm worse than a big dipper!  Whoever said losing ones mom gets better... blah! or did they?  Did they just say it fades a little, the pain?  Some days I guess it must be, or I wouldn't be able to cope at all... Then days like these all I want to do is just talk to her, that's all I want to do, just talk, just pick up the phone, and talk, to her...

I know I shouldn't be like this, should I? Its on its way to seven years... Seven years, isn't that how long it takes for our bodies to completely renew or something like that, does that mean in March I won't even be the same person I was then?

So this isn't helping, better get on.
TTFN
Marian