Thursday, September 21, 2017

Shared Road...


I was going to say, hey its me Blogging late... but just realised its only 8:35pm, well at the moment, as I begin my post... its very nearly dark... I paused to WhatsApp... and now its 8:40pm and dark!!

Photographs today courtesy of my phone in Miramar on Monday!  The one above, there used to be two flights of steep stairs, with the big screen in the middle... and a lift over near where I was standing to take this, a small elevator, very small, now closed... and it was only when I came down the above escalator I realised it was new!! LOL Even though I went up the other one!


Up on the terrace above all the shops, where we used to go for Franco to have a smoke... and me to take a photograph or two!


Even some sand!! Whoop Whoop!


The sea... from the Med to the Atlantic, soon to the Pacific! Back home home home... she says clicking her heels neatly together!

I went there shopping to get a few things for my trip to work on Saturday and then my holibobs afterwards!  I got everything I needed, the shop I wanted opened at 10am and by 10:30am I was at Calahonda where I was meeting our friend, our neighbour from there, for a coffee!


Worlds smallest merry-go-round near the top of the escalator!

I've had a difficult week, more tears this week than last... Crying for all things lost... Life shouldn't be about loss, it should be about the many wonderful and beautiful that we find throughout life, people, places, inanimate objects even... even if we don't have them anymore, or go there, or they get broken... Why is loss so hard, its all we do is lose one thing after another; how wonderful to be hard-hearted to just feel nothing... That just isn't me, I wonder if I'll harden up to life one day, not be so sensitive to pain and hurt, I don't think I can cope with this forever.

A quote to end on today.... purloined from Twitter, of course!

One day, you'll be just a memory for some people.  Do your best to be a good one.

Sunday, September 17, 2017

"It may be that the gulfs will wash us down;

It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And though we are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are—
[Scene shifts to Frasier’s KACL booth.]
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will;
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."


I’ve been thinking about that poem a lot lately. And I think what it says is that, while it’s tempting to play it safe, the more we’re willing to risk, the more alive we are. In the end, what we regret most are the chances we never took. And I hope that explains, at least a little, this journey on which I am about to embark. I have loved every minute with my KACL family, and all of you. For eleven years you've heard me say, "I’m listening." Well, you were listening, too. And for that I am eternally grateful. Goodnight, Seattle.



Well friends, I guess you know what I've been watching this morning, well as per the norm... but which episode... Yep, the last one of Frasier, again... As as always this poem by Tennyson gets me, or I get it!

And here I am today, at this time on this path where, once again this means more to me today than usual...

I am off to work for a long period of time, and so a change is a-foot, big change...

This week also I finished watching Friends! LOL for the first time ever I have watched each and every single episode! Thank you Netflix!

That was a bit of an emotional roller-coaster! I don't think I had seen the two last episodes of Friends?  Although I had seen the majority of it, thanks to one of my sons who was a Friends addict... and I have a book, the Friends book, still in its shopping bag... from 2004!


LOL I've just taken it down off the shelf, with it came another item... the card I gave to my mom in 2009... a mere eight years ago... but a couple of life times past...


Isn't it bad enough to keep too much stuff of my own that I kept this too!  Still, I have a photograph now to keep instead... if I should lose this card eh...

On the inside cover I had written a poem, my mom like Walt Whitman...

Took a photograph of this too! Surprise surprise! I was going to purloin it from the www. but none of the copies were background compatible for me... So the photograph it is then!


And a pretty rubbish photo it is too! Oh well! LOL There it is... I wasn't even looking for any of this was I! Just the Friends book... which.... oh well, never mind...

I've just gone from one random thing to another, time for me to take a bow and leave!







Thursday, September 14, 2017


There was a fire in Alhaurín down by the houses we walk past... this little bit of green survived... always the same, through devastation comes life...

Today I went down to La Canada, near Marbella, met up with friends that I have known for a long, long time now! We used to work together in Mercedes-Benz...

I remember cooking a Thanksgiving meal and he came to dinner with another salesman from MB, I cooked for about fourteen of us... actually there were thirteen I remember now and I think I plated up another so it wasn't unlucky!!

That was either 1998 or 1999, and I actually think it was 1998... twenty years next year!! Holy cannoli!!

I got down to the shopping centre a long time before I needed too, had a coffee then wandered around the centre... I went into fnac, a techy shop, to see if the Oculus Rift was still available to use... for a price! But it had gone... I bet if it was free it would still be there!?!

I didn't really even want to go into any of the shops, I don't need any clothes, wasn't even interested in looking at any clothes or shoes... I wandered into the supermarket, picked up some things, then took them back to the shelves I had picked them up from... because I can't just put them down anywhere! I went into Stradivarius.... eventually, and did see a couple of sweaters which I nearly bought!



Photograph above taken on Monday, the reservoir at the top of the mountain! I think if you zoom in you might see the eagles I could see... or not!! There were dozens of them... beautiful sight to see...






Tuesday, September 12, 2017

The Changing Road

This morning I walked the Pipster, we came home... then we went to the lakes! Los embalses! The road trip there great as usual, regular amount of traffic... turned off just past Ardales... up to the lakes... traffic starting to build...




My secret location...






I drove to the El Kiosko first, thought we park up, wander around the bridge, then back to the bar, have a cup of coffee for me, water for the Pipster... sit at a roadside table and relax in the September warmth... instead... it was a slow haul drive as far as the '60's church and turned around and came away again, sad and angry in equal measures...

I know many many more people come here now, to appreciate that which we have all appreciated for years unobstructed by coaches, buses, millions of tourists!! LOL....


Yes, yes I know! Once a tourist! I get it, but, us normal folks can't even go to love place the place we loved... its not the same now, nowhere to park for us anymore! No coffee for us!! LOL... can you see me? stamping my feet like a petulant child!

When I drove back through the crowds by the bar, waiting to start the walk... I saw their happy and expectant faces and felt bad for my anger... They were already loving what we love, already looking forward to the Kings Walk... Will take the happy memories back to their many countries with them... and only when somewhere they love is unavailable to them might they think about our beloved El Chorro and the lakes...

So I also thought about the commercialised places I have been to, how they have changed for those who, like me, loved them for what they were, not how they became..



This was the final disaster zone...






At the junction El Chorro/Embalses, a big giant car park.... miles of it... I am seriously hoping they will say if you want the coach to the Kings Walk you have to park and get it from there... so the possibility of parking to walk, or have a coffee, or eat... will return to the lakes themselves...

This above is an eyesore! The awfulness of it, just concrete instead of beauty...

I drove left here, away from the lakes... and told myself to look up! To look at the mountains, the 'why' that people were here to see, the reason I was there, the stunning countryside, the mountains and valleys, the bridges, the rivers, the eagles... [Bonelli eagles], look up look up! LOL

Driving back to Alhaurín I put on my Time playlist from my phone, I hadn't realised how many songs mentioned the word Time on the list!! Well, maybe only three or four, but still strange...

Time changes things, places, people...  I am certainly not the girl I was even one year ago... There is actually even more of me than there was before! That's what life does, fill us up with things that make us who we are, until maybe we reach our fill...

Time... Tom Waits...





Sunday, September 10, 2017

That was a heavy dog walk this morning... Deep and meaningful... As Pippa and I were walking through the park...

And I thought about Pippa... Dogs, animals, don't have a clue about what's ever going to happen to them, they live in the here and now... She never knows if I'm coming home from town, or when I take her to the doggie hotel when I'll come back, if?  She has no guarantee even of food or walks... in a way...

Then I thought I suppose we don't either, we go about our lives, for good or for bad, thinking we know a little at least of what's ahead, yes, we know more of that than our pets... We can plan for meals, work, regular stuff.  But there it stops! We don't actually know what tomorrow holds, or later today... We can plan all we want, because what's around the corner is unknown, even if we think otherwise.

The universe conspires for us... For the good and for the bad; even things that appear to be bad may have a reason because we don't know why change has come...

We really then have no more idea than the dog!



My dog now, tired from her walk and watching me... the one she trusts, who knows more about her future than she does, and still she trusts... I think I have been missing something my whole life.



I actually wrote the above yesterday morning and forgot to post... The sunset from the night before, the 8th, sharing the moment...

And I have had a placement offer, in one place for eight weeks!  Again, universe conspiring within twelve hours of my thought of working for eight to nine weeks before Christmas!  Decisions to be made... What other great changes can I make with my thoughts!




Friday, September 08, 2017

Chico time!


Pippa and I met up with her 'ol pal Chico the other afternoon... walking through the park he came along as he used to from his driveway, to say 'hi' to Pip, they sniffed noses and that was it! We don't often see him anymore.  The last time was on our way back from the doggie hotel.. when I came back two weeks ago nearly...

His color makes him almost fade into the pathway... I was going to play with the quality, or do something with the image, decided to leave well alone... he looks like a ghost dog...


And two photographs taken in the park... the water has been drained from the pond... too much rubbish chucked in there, its such a shame, people just can't leave well alone... The park looked lovely when it was first opened.. now plants have been pulled up, this abandoned due to lack of care... Dog mess all over the place, despite the plastic dog bag dispenser!



And at the entrance to the park, someone left their shoes... and more shoes... LOL, might see the odd pair here or there, but really, the whole cupboard full!!



I had my stitches out today, I did seriously think they were the disintegrating type... so I was expecting a bit of a check and that would be it... not a snip and a pull type of thing, with me owwwing! Poor woman, not me the dental nurse!

And an appointment made for a week on Monday for the ongoing treatment, then it will be stitches again, then after ten days I can at last get back to work!

And the new road? I took it yesterday going down to the coast, turned a left at Aldi and the new dual carriageway took me to the old roundabout, and you miss out the whole of Fuengirola, its great!

And today I started to watch Game of Thrones! Only six years after it begun... Ooops! Its good! Only like my son said... don't get attached to any of the characters!




Tuesday, September 05, 2017

Hold my hand...

Sardines, on the beach, of course!

The Shared Road... I have been missing the point with the line of my Blog... The Shared Road... I have never been alone on my road... a bit like the piece by someone many [many!] years ago, about footsteps in the sand and only one pair of feet when the going got tough...

And not so many years ago but still when I was in England a friend wrote a beautiful piece to me, I wonder I might ask her if I can write it out here... I think I know where I left it safe... I'll go check... Later...


La playa!

After I said how this September was just right, temperature-wise, it goes and slaps me down! LOL... Yesterday was hotter than hot, and still last night at 11:35pm 35 degrees! [95F] in the evening in the dark, at night!! Whoa!! On the beach with family around midday, and the sea breeze was lovely, taking the edge of the heat... but hot hot hot all the same... and once back home in Alhaurín I opened the car door and got hit by the heat only a glass melting machine could give out!! lol... Okay, maybe not that hot, just an ordinary oven then!!  Or we would all have melted!

El Torro!
Coming home from the coast yesterday using my track... there was a new road!!! A new massive roundabout and a new road!! I think it probably comes out by the new Aldi and Burger King on the Mijas pueblo road... and when I come home tomorrow from visiting again, I'll scoot down it to try... it on for size!

Okay, going to find the letter from a friend... still a best buddy friend, hope she lets me share this... lol Well that's sorted! Its not where I thought it was, also something else I thought was there isn't!! Something else was that I didn't know about! LOL... starting to sound like an Agatha Christie Novel!

In the letter my friend gave me, she talked about how I had helped carry her load when life got too heavy for her...

Maybe its time to go through my... paperwork? memorabilia? crapola?? again... Every time I do, I thin it out a bit more; no good for anyone but me, and its not really any good for me...

I remember coming out here end of 2002 with about five boxes of 'above stuff' and now I have only a couple of boxes...[plus one]...

Every year I lighten the load of things I never read or look through anymore... every year I feel the better for it!

What counts is whats in our hearts and souls and minds...
I think I've turned another page...

Purloining a photograph of a t-shirt advert I saw on Facebook in July... because? Well, read...




Sunday, September 03, 2017


I'm getting used to the stitches in my mouth, well, trying to ignore them... Which is fine if I don't eat!

I had fish out with friends down on the coast on Friday, I did just eat the fish, and thinking about how good it was is making me hungry!

And in the evening I went into town with friends, tried some tapas, but hurt my mouth, so didn't eat too much... Just stuck to the gin!


I, as most people know, do not really drink, so three gin and tonics should have wiped me out, but apart from feeling a bit tired Saturday morning... I had an extra hour in bed... That was it! It was a long evening so three drinks lasted long long time...

Today has been a beautiful day, the weather now has dropped a notch or two, still hot but not that blasting heat we've been having... This is good September weather, last couple were hotter than the preceding August's!

I've got my paints out again, two years in the cave, the drawing paper is a bit damp, but the acrilic paints seem fine. I'm feeling inspired, so I popped down the local bizzare and bought some canvases, I've prepped one, it should be dry by now! Just need to get my thoughts onto the canvas! I've tried doing some sketching today, and sketchy they were! Lol

I feel unfinished here, something is missing... Oh yes!

Friday morning my car battery wouldn't work! I came back to the house and asked some of guys working on a house nearby if they had jump-leads, one did, and we got my car going; instead of going directly to Calahonda, my destination, I drove towards Málaga, getting onto the motorway and through the Churiana tunnel... Down the toll road to El Zoco! I drove my little car as fast... as permitted! After lunch, back to my car... the battery did start eventually, but I couldn't risk the uncertainty of it! So went to Miramar Parque and got a new one... Not sure of the prices in the UK anymore... This one cost nearly 100 Euros... Including a 'free' diagnostic check! Sounds a lot, but he did fix my driver's door too :-)

Okay... If something is still missing... It's not me!






Thursday, August 31, 2017

Swansea - Steps to the beach from The Grape & Olive

Dentist confusion, after two attempts into the dentist, I actually get in on the day I am supposed to go for my appointment! So three trips, one appointment and to be honest my third and final entrance into the dentist was the worse, I almost decided to go back out again!

But, I didn't and of course, I survived!  I came home wobbly, and tired, and my face hurt... I went to bed too early and then had an extra time in bed... all giving me back ache, neck ache and a headache! It also looked like I should have expected CSI on the scene any minute, or at the very least a warning tape around the bed!  This because of the amount of blood on my pillow when I looked back down!

My jaw hurts still, and I have a mouthful of stitches looking like they are holding a bunch of my upper front teeth in place... maybe they are!  Well, I guess they are if they fell out, the stitches I mean!

It feels like I have something caught in my teeth and my tongue keeps on investigating the threads then remembering and leaving well alone!

Yesterday I drank a couple of Franco's bottles of high calorie drinks with lots of added milk to each one, for breakfast I put my porridge, fruit and milk into the juicer and once completely thinned out I popped into the microwave to warm, then added cold milk to cool!

The doctor told me cold only for a few days to drink or eat... No heavy lifting or carrying! Also to eat a yogurt or two a day, probably to combat the damn antibiotics I have to take for another seven days!  I did have a yogurt yesterday afternoon, the only thing I ate yesterday after the dentist... a bit off putting seeing the bloodied spoon after each mouthful! LOL... Great eh!!

I have had two yogurts for lunch! and a repeat of my breakfast again just now, with a handful of almonds... you know... to make it a little more substantial!!

Tomorrow I am going with friends down to the coast and the best fish and chip shop there!  I am going to eat the fish carefully... and share the chips!!

And to close, on my teeth that is, I think I still have another two visits to complete this treatment, and it wasn't as bad as I imagined, of course... I was scared, the doctor put me at ease, after the numbing injections I could feel pressure occasionally, pain? the tiniest and for only a moment, once or twice... and although my fear of the dentist has not gone.. and I will not be turning up two days early again, I can say I am not as scared as I was.

I went to La Trocha this morning with a friend, had a good wander about, I managed to find a couple of things to buy and I managed to walk away!

Today is a lovely day, cooler to start, nice to walk the Pipster, just walked her again, about 4pm... Its been a lovely weather day... Last day of August...

... Which leads me to twenty years ago and today we lost Princess Diana, I cannot believe it was 20 years ago, the memory like yesterday... waking up to a normal Sunday morning... then hearing the news... thinking it wasn't what we were all hearing... Going out for lunch with family... who somehow had completely missed the news that morning...

Monday mom Tony and I got the train to London, bought flowers and took them to Kensington Palace to lay in honour of Diana...

Also then my step-dad died twenty years ago... he had only passed away a couple of weeks before.

Well, I am going to make myself a coffee.... cold!



I nearly got to send this without... I nearly didn't say... but you know me, if the thought is in my head it needs to come out...

The other day I was dusting, and as I dusted one of the many photograpsh I have of Franco here on the wall... I was up close to reach up to him... and I told him... Yours isn't a face I thought I would only ever be dusting...

Sunday, August 27, 2017


Okay okay alright already! Sorry...

I'm here, of course, didn't feel like Blogging while on this eleven days placement... A challenging one forsure, palliative care is not easy... Either way... I have been humbled to share these days with such a lovely lady, her natural fiestyness shining through on occasion, a bright spirit, a strong woman, wish I had know her long before.  She is surrounded by very good friends who really are more like family... And again I have been privileged to be part of this ladies circle of love and care...

I was supposed to leave today, 2pm... But I sit in Bristol airport departure area, having just consumed this great porridge below...


When asked 'what topping?' fresh bananas were not what I thought would be in the cup on opening! Really enjoyed it!

So what happened? On my break and the incoming support carer arrived 24hrs early! Confusion reigned, I contacted the office... It was decided someone had to go, no spare bed... and seemed silly for her to go and come back, so I left 5pm!

We did a handover, everyone called and introduced... I packed up my meagre belongings, and a neighbor very kindly took me into Bristol and the hotel I had managed to book.

Managed being the key word here! At about 3pm I started trying to book a room! The one I had said to myself the other week when I knew I was coming past it... was luckily full... Because that's the one in January I stayed in and I don't think I could have coped with that.

But then the few nearest were also booked full! Bank holiday weekend here in Blighty, weather promising... And it is a beautiful day today!

So I booked into the Arnos Manor, really beautiful place, built back in the 1700's... A great deal of 'unexpected' history!

Including my kettle switching itself on!!! Okay a glitch maybe... but spooky all the same!

When I finish my coffee I need to park myself somewhere comfortable, I don't board until about 5pm!!!


Yes, I could have wondered around Bristol with my bags couldn't I?. But I'm just wanting to get home now...

24hrs time I'll be have surgery on my mouth! G. R. E. A. T.

To be honest I really didn't want to leave the lady at this stage... and if not for the surgery I wouldn't have done.







Friday, August 11, 2017


I have another placement coming up, just for eleven days, I'll be flying into Cardiff and flying out of Bristol... this morning booked flights, Pipster in her doggie hotel and the car in the car park!!

I've taken all the remaining food supplements of Francos to a church community office, they can give them to people who will use them, we have wasted enough and thrown away so many... So I glad they will be helping.

We have a festival somewhere in town this last few days, until the 15th the posters say... and rocket fire last night, first elsewhere, then a few from nearby... Pippa ran for the hills AKA the toilet, and all the other dogs started barking and whining!

I went out, unexpectedly the other evening with two friends... was a lovely evening, great company, great food... Talked about lots, all positive speaking, although I did say there was one thing I didn't want to do again... which is actually now linked slightly with the placement I am going on, so I am reminded once again, do not talk about what you do not want!! Only talk about what you do!  Because it was less than twelve hours later that the very thing I didn't want came to me!!

See how positive I am today, I'm reading The Secret... I know its 'just a book' but it helped me before, its either helping me again or its just a coincidence!

I am trying to focus on better memories about Franco now, good things, positive things, our happy times... I didn't think I would, I didn't think I could... I am still asking him "why???" every day, still feeling him with me, by my side each day, as he told me he would be... last night when I remembered the hoover had made the electric trip I thought to myself 'I must remember to tell Franco!'... and today I saw for the first time ever our wedding video/CD, the very first time... and it made me so sad and happy at the same time, I smiled at 'us' I laughed a couple of times and I cried my heart out like I am again now as I type... I am so thankful to the persons who have done this for me... I wish we had seen it together...

So now, time to watch a happy film! I'm still working on friends book... I've printed out my travel docs, and tomorrow must buy a few bits and bobs because then its Sunday and not open! And Monday the skylight is being fitted!!! Yeah! Before and after shots will be here soon! and Tuesday I will be too busy with too many things for friend next door... my feet won't touch the ground!




Friday, August 04, 2017

Friday already, left my placement a week ago but oddly feels like months ago!

Yesterday I went to the dentist!! I know I'm not the best at visiting the dentist... but I have had to go, because of something going on in my mouth!  Turns out its another inherited problem... what next? Already have the heart problems, the joint problems, now the type of gum disease which is inherited only... my mom didn't have it, but doesn't mean I can lay this one at the feet of my father... could have been grand or great grandparents, apparently!

Apart from five implants, titanium so the body doesn't reject, I am having something put around the roots of my teeth, to help regenerate the gum material, what I have seen on the internet it looks amazing, I'm even keeping teeth I really though stood no hope... its called Emdogain...

It'll be pain free..... hahahahahahahahaha!! OMG what the hell am I going to do about the pain!!! When have I ever come home from the dentist without spending two days in bed from a migraine??? Well, maybe not anymore??? Its going to take six months at their time scale, but as I can't just reach into a bottomless pit for money, its going to take me a little longer!!

And every single I time I go, even for the first clean on Monday, deeeeeeeep clean.... apparently all my teeth will feel loose after this cleaning session!!!! OM...G!!! I have to take antibiotics an hour before, and for the next seven days to prevent me dying!!  Because of my heart problems any of the crapola in my teeth can kill me... By the by, this is why keeping teeth healthy will help prevent heart attacks for people with dodgy hearts like mine!

It took some strength for me to even get into there yesterday, and will be same on Monday, strangely though if felt a little surreal... so maybe Monday will feel the same... not sure when I'll be able to eat again after the clean, but I have loads of Francos drinks still in the house, so I won't go undernourished..

On the list is scraping!! Sorry, I know this word is not a good word in relation to teeth, or blackboards... or chair feet... etc etc... but there are a few of this 'scraping' thing on the list, then the filling.... then the implants!!

After I left the dentist I popped into my friends shop nearby, I'd been in on the way and in shock returned with the news!  While I was in there a woman came in who I used to work with, years ago here in Alhaurín, it was nearly a year after my moms passing, and still trying to come to terms with losing my mom... and that morning had awoken with a strange feeling of a slight shift in how I felt, that tiny bit of light... I was working in the shop and this lady, (from yesterday) although not on shift, popped into the store, we spoke and she popped home and came back with this book... The Secret by Rhonda Byrne... So, yesterday I told my friend about what had happened back on that day, and how it was strange I had felt better that morning then the lady had gone and got me the book to read and how it really had helped me, when I really needed that help... and my friend went out the back, and came back to me, holding out another copy of The Secret.... well, time to read it again eh!  Must mean something...

Like today, another strange happening, well I think so!  I had an appointment at the doctors!! To check a mole which seems to have arrived from nowhere and is itchy!!! So I booked the appointment on Wednesday evening on my phone and today the appointment!  At some point this morning I decided I wouldn't go, that I didn't need to, that I am worrying about nothing!  So at the last minute I walked into town instead, friend said to me about doctors, I said I wasn't bothering.... lol... not a great thing to say, so needless to say I had turn tail and head up to the clinico!!! And head up is the only way to get there from town, almost straight up! Could do with a button-lift at the bottom to assist, not sure how I made it up, couldn't breathe when I got there!! Still, good place to be if you can't breathe!  A&E and all of that!

I arrived exactly at 11:40, my time, there were a few others there already, only the doctor was missing! Today her schedule was 11:30 to 12:30, but she was a no-show, for whatever reason... more and more people came though, and none of us left... We just sat there in the air-conditioned waiting area... eventually a man came and put a notice up saying we all had to go downstairs and wait at another door! So we did, sitting in exactly the same seats as before!! Lol... and then I went in, third in line, 12:15 and came out 12:17! Nothing wrong with my mole, I apologies for wasting her time, she said no! Better to ask a professional than not ask at all!!

Oh the strange happening? Haven't got to that bit yet!! I was going home from the clinico, which I wouldn't have done had I gone directly!  I was passing a bar and saw a girl that looked like a friend from six years ago... one who had moved to the states... as I drew along side, she spoke to me! It was her!! Unbelievable, shes just here for a couple of weeks... so good to see her, albeit for a short moment... I got really emotional when I walked away...

So many people come into our lives, and go again....

Anyways!! Enough already!!

Yesterday I started working on a book for a friend, the lady from just over a year ago I met on a bus, which should have been a train... the train from Builth Wells to Shrewsbury that never was.... Wales playing rugby or football or something!  I so should have got my money back for that whole journey!! Just didn't think about it... too late now...

Anyway, she sent me the remainder of the book before I left to go back to work the other week, so yesterday I got the rest typed up, I have to go into it now and rearrange, edit, and get it publish ready, good to have a book to work on.

And yesterday, I got a call from work, I have 24 modules to get through, 100% pass only, I have done 11 of those, yesterday afternoon!

It was 113F on the terrace an hour ago.... in the shade... thats 45C.... hot hot hot!!

Was ending there, in fact I hit the publish tab...

I just wanted to add... on my way home from Fuengirola Wednesday, I seemed to go from bad day to worse day... Cher came on the radio... Believe.... Do you believe in life after love?




Wednesday, August 02, 2017

I am like one of those pennies thrown in the air "Heads!" "Tails!"

Spinning around and around, over and over, all the time headed for the inevitable ground to hit on!

... and while I'm spinning? What shall I do? Where shall I go? How do I move forward, because I know I can't stay in this... in this mind set...

I had photographs of Franco on my solitaire game I play before going to sleep, the game puts me to sleep it's so boring I guess! I had Franco as the back drop and on the cards... I know it wasn't healthy... Barry suggested I change the photos to more positive ones... So I have. I'm not thinking any less of Franco just not the last image I see as I close my eyes...

I'm Blogging from Fuengirola just now, sat having coffee in Las Rampas... I am almost opposite where mom and I lived for six months too...



Sunday, July 30, 2017

What the hell!! It's all I can say... Collected car then Pippa, we came in the house, electricity had gone off! Again!!! Only thing on, literally had been the freezer, stacked full, I'd even emptied into it all the frozen stuff from the fridge/freezer... House stinks, you don't even want to imagine the disgusting mess around under and in the freezer... I've had to clean it all out, bin everything, obviously...

Below in different font, (and to be quite honest I really can't be bothered to change it), is what I wrote on the flight home...

Waiting for boarding gate number was like waiting for paint to dry... then boarding was slow, more priority than us `others` now we're still boarding and I'm sitting, the back of my chair is being kicked by a child behind me! I am close to boil over point!

Plane is full of kids... every line, nearly almost... so two behind and two in front!! Three on other side of size... One child, further back screamed all the way over...

I had coffee and a sausage and tomato chutney muffin and a latte, refuel before the flight... maybe a cold drink now on board, another coffee might not be good idea! (I had coffee!).

I had a lovely couple of days with Baz and family... gone far too quickly as always... and it was tram and end of the line for me today... I arrived at the coach stop at 13:19 exactly, a minute early for the coach... which evidently had already been and gone! So I had to wait until ten to two...

I didn't want to be there, at the coach stop, it's where Franco and I always talked on the phone, "on my way home nearly..." happiness all round... it's not just a simple memory there it's more like a ghost, like an indented real-time thing, I really felt standing there, if I just dialled... Franco would answer...

Lol I have to add from nearby children "we're flying!" "We've taken off"... "I can see the airport, we're so high, we're too high..." "this is crazy..." " we're above the clouds" "we're in the north pole"

And as we came in one child shouted much to parents embarrassment "we coming down, we're landing in the sea!!"

Just some words from my fellow passengers on their first flights... and suddenly I don't feel so cross anymore...

Oh hang on, there's some screaming up at the back and other places, not everyone's first flight is as they hoped!

And now not long to landing... I still feel Franco will be there in Málaga to meet me, sat outside on the nearest available concrete seat at arrivals...

when will I not feel this is so...

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Sorry friends, landed back in UK! International jet setter extraordaire!

That was Friday, I knew my destination, but the flight was forty minutes late taking off, which meant all train travel and connections on my list were obsolete! Luckily the tickets were 'any time' off peak!

I of course panicking about a different placement, location, train station! But there was a great monorail shuttle which took me direct to a very crowded train, cosy, snuggled up to everyone!!! Ugh! which took me to Birmingham New Street station, and on enquiring how to get out of there and travel on foot for a twenty minutes walk above ground... a wonderful lady told me to go to Manor station! Only a few minutes walk, job done!

It was then another train, less crowded, a short taxi and I'm here!

All good!

... until Friday.


Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Travelling Road


My birthday in Cambridge with Tony; I had never been to Cambridge before... I suppose with having lived so near to Oxford for so long, Oxford is where we always went!


River boat tours, punters punting...


Lots of tourists... of course!


The weather was lovely, which is good, and a new memory... reminding me of other memories...

So I have notes to transfer onto here, went out this morning without my phone!  Yes, unbelievable, I never leave my phone, or phones behind and once I knew I had forgotten them, I felt like I had left my arm behind in the house!!

Last evening I came home from Malaga airport to our home, and was nice to walk into the house with people here, and they're here till I go to work again, nearly... But Pippa is not here, she is still in the doggie hotel, it wouldn't have been fair to bring her home today and take her back tomorrow... I miss her...

This morning I left early to go to Aldi, got there at 9am, and now, well then, having coffee at La Trocha while I wait for the shops to open at 10am...

Just now driving I asked Franco out loud "where are you?" my make believe games hurt, but for the shortest of moments I can almost believe, I though him just now, still in hospital - not good for him, I know! But for me - hope, and any amount of hope keeps me... keeps me? I don't know where it keeps me. Oh yeah!  In denial.

Plans today! I changed my plan and just didn't care, so here, not on the coast, struggling to park and time wasted driving, have to get a few things for work on Friday - Feeling worried, nervous, scared even... But its one week only!

Had a good week at Tonys, Sunday we went out for a long drive, ending at a garden centre and then home; Saturday we went to Milton Keynes which was great... always love going there, I suppose because its a rarity now for me...

Every day bar one I went on Tonys VR... Who knew! I'm a gamer! Only I was waiting for VR!  No motion sickness at all.  Franco would have been very proud of me killing all the zombies, shooting them in the head with quite good accuracy!  I have put them on my YouTube... hang on will get a link...

That takes you too my Channel I think...

I am hooked! I am hoping they still have the Oculus Rift store in Plaza Mayor.... I'll be there every week for hours!!

Today, this morning on my way out, the air smelled so good, warm and fragrant - a day to drive and travel... Franco and I would have gone far today.

Notes finished, I am surprises I could read my handwriting, so very old Skool!!


Perfect cosy spot! 

Monday, July 17, 2017

17.07.17

Been staying with Tony and Kate since Tuesday last week... Been a good week, just being here...

Time in my head alone is limited when I'm not alone... of course lots of time it's still just my thoughts, my sadness, just me without Franco.

Franco had some beautiful words on his memorial Facebook page on the 12th, he was loved, and is missed...

Today we had planned a big thing, a special date for my birthday, 17.07.17... palindrome... we were going away somewhere special; as always special, but we'd thought of somewhere in Italy...
Tony and I are going to do something, I should be responsible for myself now, instead I've shifted the responsibility onto my son... sorry honey...


I'm barely here, a thin wisp of myself
I survive each day and don't know why.
Who am I now?
Why did Franco have to die.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017



It would have been Francos 60th birthday today...

I still don't understand, still can't comprehend... still cannot except the reality of him dying...

I just listened to him tell me he loves me on a message he gave me...

...and I feel such a loss my heart bleeds tears;


I'm not at home, I wouldn't have survived this week at home, but I am missing our Pipster, I feel guilty leaving her in the doggie hotel, she shouldn't be there, she should be at home with us...

I'm at Tony and Kates in England, wishing I could turn back time, and change something, do something, anything that could have helped or stopped what happened to Franco.

I'm just so sad. Franco made me happy, all the time, he was my happiness, he made me smile every day, told me everything would be okay... Until he told me last November that it wouldn't be.

He told me to sit down, told me what he had been told, and that I had to be strong...

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

The impossible road...

Tomorrow is Francos birthday, not in a good place in my head, yesterday or today so far...

And as I approach another 'first'... I have to say I have 'firsts' every day... The first breathe I take each day as I realise Franco is not next to me...

Each day I go out and Franco is not next to me, or at home when I return... When I find he is not upstairs, or on the terrace, or going to call or message...

My firsts without Franco are with me everywhere every day...

And this is the truth of the truth, the heart of my heart... my reality... my thought as I sit here right now...

*Franco I know your coming around the corner, you've parked the car, your almost to the door, you'll soon be home, thank God, I was so scared, I can't live without you, I don't know how.*

I know I can't go on like this, I know 'things' will change... it will have to. It has to.

I know this is normal, but knowing these feelings are normal doesn't help... it's just all wrong.








Friday, July 07, 2017

Random Roads...


Sorry photograph is a little blurred! Wasn't sure if the bug was alive and didn't want to startle him! I think he was a horned dung beetle! Guess that horn is for pushing the worlds largest dung-roll ahead of him!


And from largest - to smallest! The worlds smallest cupcake! How cute! Out with friend last evening for a good walkabout town... Ended outside a bar and for me café con leche and it came with this cute little cupcake!


And lastly... Me!!! Oh if only I knew at the time as we stood there at Europa Point! What the hell was my hair doing!! I think life-of-its-own comes to mind.

It was clipped back by the way, I didn't walk around Gib. looking like this... did I?


Tears are words our hearts cannot speak...

Wednesday, July 05, 2017

Gibraltar


Had another lovely visit to Gibraltor with friends yesterday, Tuesday... Franco and I had stopped going so much, we only saw the things we had got fed up with seeing, therefore, and very sadly, we had stopped seeing Gibraltor!

So often we stop seeing the very places we see every day don't we... maybe the people too sometimes, which is even sadder.

Above a view at Europa point... a point in question, we had never been to before, until I came last week with the same friends...

Last week the rock was so bright and white on approach it looked to be covered in snow, the way the sun caught the chalk face... Yesterday it was cloudy on approach, from way back, we left the sun and clear blue skies, and drove towards the cloud looming over Gibraltar...

It cleared as we walked around the streets and had coffee...


A very cool building right near the end of the high street, further than I had every walked before, Franco and I only having ever gone as far as a menswear shop, where I bought Franco a really lovely Italian sweater, with a red strip running across, very unusual, until Franco went to visit Wales and was met by his bessy mate who was wearing one just like it!!


The Trafalgar Cemetery, I'd never seen before either! Very well kept and worth a good long walk around...


Above our friends the turtles at Casa Flores in Alhaurín El Grande, they were all sunbathing, heads up, feet off the ground!! check out those baby ones on the left, zoom in! They are so cute!!